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An Open Letter to Sandi Cain

 

It’s been a strange day here in Dartoid’s World.  And in my world that’s saying a LOT.    

According to the radio, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein was re-elected to another seven- year term with one hundred percent of the vote.  By a tally of ELEVEN MILLION to ZERO Hussein has demonstrated that to win, unlike George W. Bush in Florida, you don’t have to screw African Americans and Jews out of their right to vote.  All you have to do is threaten to blow off their weenies.

So I flip on my computer and click to the Drudge Report.  This is where I get my news.  BUT, before the news actually loads, this large box pops onto my screen offering to scan my files for questionable content.  Called “Content Watch” the program identifies any “adult, violent, drug or gambling related” file that has somehow wormed its way onto the hard drive.  So, what the hell, I gave it a try.  ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY ONE files showed up.  They are all old Dartoid’s World columns.

I clicked over to the Drudge Report to check on the Washington, D.C. sniper.  All was quiet last night.  Apparently citizens are heeding the advice of police.  Geographical profilers have observed that absolutely NOBODY has been shot upon walking out of a tavern.  Hence, citizens have been advised to “walk briskly in a zigzag pattern” to stay safe.  Drudge is also reporting that Big George is promising to give Israel a week’s notice before American starts lobbing bombs again in the Middle East.  So, everything in the world is fine.

Actually things are more than fine, especially for darts players.  According to a recent Ananova report, an economics professor at the University of Calgary has found a link between alcohol intake and wealth.  What the report shows is that “people found to drink more than average are also more likely to be successful and earn more.”  SO, the more darts players drink, the more they will earn.  The more they are able to earn, the more rounds they will be able to buy at the bar and the safer they will be in our nation’s capital. 

Also, the consumption of alcohol has been identified as the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. 

Anyway, none of this really has anything to do with why I am writing to you.  In fact, you’re probably been wondering why AM I writing to you?  Well, I forget.

No.  I remember.  Right now, as you read these words, you are probably thinking: “Oh poopers, he’s about to tell me why he’s writing and it ain’t gonna be pretty.”  Well, maybe that’s not what you’re thinking.  I don’t know if you use the word “poopers.”  I don’t even know if it’s a word.  But you are correct.  I’m about to tell you. 

The next thing I did was check my e-mail messages.  Of course, there was one from you, Sandi Cain – former President of the American Darts Organization (ADO).  I couldn’t imagine why you would send me a message. 

I haven’t called you a potato head. 

I haven’t called you Mr. Bickie. 

I haven’t written that someone stole your panties! 

It turns out that what I did was even worse.  Oh horrors!  

WARNING!!!  IF YOU ARE A MINOR, OR USED TO BE A MINOR, OR KNOW SOMEBODY WHO IS A MINOR, OR KNOW SOMEBODY WHO WORKS IN A MINE: STOP READING NOW!!!

It turns out that in a recent column I referred to a photograph of you that appeared in Dan William Peek’s book (page 260), The History of Darts in America, as “sexy.”  You expressed concern that “this kind of reference is damaging to (your) credibility as a free lance writer of business and tourism news.”

So, the reason I am writing is to say that I am sorry.  I will never, ever refer to you in such an inappropriate manner again.  I will even take down the poster-sized, blow-up of your photo that I have hanging inside my closet.

But MORE THAN this (and this is the reason I am posting this letter as widely as possible) I am respectfully asking than anybody who has read the column in which I referred to you in a less-than-respectful term, FORGET what they read. 

I am asking anybody who has not actually read the column NOT to check out the most recent issue of Bull’s EYE News or any of the various web sites that feature Dartoid’s World.

In the frightening world we live in – where snipers lurk, war is imminent and people must drink to stay safe and succeed – I don’t want to be party, even for a moment, to adding to anyone’s level of stress.

From the Field,

Dartoid
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