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that the Professional Darts Corporations (PDC) Las Vegas Desert Classic darts
tournament has come to a close and its inaugural champions -- Americans Ray
Carver and Carolyn Mars -- have been crowned, it’s time to wrap up this little
series of reports and return to real life.
But first I need to correct some misinformation that I have inadvertently
promulgated over the course of the past week.
The fact is I was drunk (on SIX DOLLAR beers that came in PLASTIC
bottles) pretty much one hundred percent of the time. Not that this is an excuse.
However, this has enabled me to better understand just exactly how
someone could loose their underwear, right off of their body, and not
technically be aware of it.
the first bit of misinformation I must set straight is in the very first
Although Carver tied with Paul Lim to place highest among the American men
participating in the shoot (and will travel to England at the end of the year as
the wild card entry in the PDC 2003 World Championship) he did not actually win
the Men’s 501. It was Phil
Taylor, with an awesome 104 points per three dart average (meaning that every
time he threw a ton he HURT his average), who wowed the crowd to defeat Ronnie
Baxter and take home the $20,000 top prize.
Of course, Uncle Sam took a thirty percent cut because he can’t throw
darts worth crap to earn a living by himself.
On the ladies side, despite jumping off to a one set lead, Mars ultimately went
down two sets to one to the former world ranked number one, England’s Deta
Hedman. Mars did her fans proud
though and was extremely gracious in defeat, congratulating Hedman and then, in
numerous interviews, complimenting her opponent as the “best shooting potato
head I’ve ever come up against.”
Speaking of potato heads, let me also -- once and for all -- assure the esteemed
new leader of the American Darts Organization (ADO), Mr. Bickie, that when I
wrote the phrase “potato head” and said it was a “direct quote” I did
not mean to imply that it was one of his minions on the ADO Board who used such
dastardly terminology to refer to our British brethren.
It turns out Mr.
Bickie does more than just steer the ADO to greatness.
He is also a professor in the Department of Pathology at the University
of Texas Medical School in Houston. And
expert in his field. It is
therefore, with all due respect that I recommend to Mr. Bickie that he undertake
to have the appropriate surgery performed on that portion of the brain the
differentiates between reality and bullshit.
Apparently there’s a pathogen of some sort wiggling around inside of
A few other corrections:
not, technically, arrested at the Tropicana for strangling the chicken that
plays the tic-tac-toe game. I did
however, lose a great deal of money to the little bastard and, wrongly, insulted
him with a barrage of extremely inappropriate language, including the term
“potato head.” I was politely
escorted from the premises by two guys in uniforms.
So, to the person at the Humane Society of the United States who e-mailed
me and also to my father who called my wife in a panic, I did not hurt the damn
chicken and I did not spend time in jail.
Taylor did not whisper in my ear that he was “wearing Tommy Cox’s shorts.”
hot but I did not see someone who looked like Jerry Umberger (or Marshall Popp
either) spontaneously combust. The
individual looked more like Elvis.
McElligott did not pay me to write that he carried Phil Taylor at Stacy
Bromberg’s Make-a-Wish charity shoot the night before the tournament began.
However, since I did write it, Joe owes me.
I did not
spell Tim Cherven’s name wrong! I
spelled it exactly the way it was spelled on the men’s room wall.
I did not
dress up as a condom during my interview with Phil Taylor.
This was definitely a lie. What
was I thinking? Am I nuts?
lion’s tail did not fall off due to the excitement of the tournament.
I do not
have personal knowledge that the PDC is in some sort of negotiation with Jerry
Springer, even though I think it would be the best thing that could ever happen
suggestion that Liverpool’s Lee Palfreyman may have been drinking was
completely over the edge. He’s
but a wee young lad. Others who
were definitely not drinking include: Stacy Edwards, Kym Rowett, Laurett Meddis,
Brenda Roush, Anne Kramer, John Part, Shane Meeks, Debbie Gordon, Carolyn Mars,
Melissa Clopton, Pam Patton, Mick Manning and Kevin Liebkemann.
One other person who was DEFINITELY not drinking was Tina Digregorio.
were no elephants or flying monkeys on the stage, though I really did see Eric
I did not
have a date with PDC public affairs director, Gayle Farmer, despite the
provocative nature of her business title and Phil Taylor’s offer to set me up.
did not install magnets behind the triple one’s on all boards being used by
Americans. And if the truth be
known, I’m really not even sure that he lost his shorts.
But I’m pretty sure.
nothing derogatory when I expressed concern that the Brits seemed to really
enjoy “having fags.”
Now that we have all that settled, I have just one last breath of a message left
in me about this whole Desert Classic thing.
knows, some controversy surrounded this British invasion.
For various reasons some people just did not attend. Fair
Those that did not attend missed an incredibly well run tournament and a simply
awesome display of darts talent. Not
a single American I spoke with over the course of the week indicated anything
less than their enthusiastic intent to return next year, if there is an event
next year, and do it all again.
So I encourage
those who did attend to fan out across American and share their experience with
those who didn’t .
To the extent
there are any doubters left it is important lay the doubting to rest.
this was GREAT for darts.
And that’s because Barry Hearn and Tim Darby and Phil Jones and Dick Allix and
Gayle Farmer and Russ Bray and Bruce Spendley and Fred Williams and, yep, even
Tommy Cox ARE COMMITTED to an encore next year.
It would be a
shame if anybody missed it.
From the Field,
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